he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
