i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
