Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
