all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
whose parrot is this?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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