We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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