I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
