remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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