I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
