Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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