I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
