I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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