Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
why do cheetos always look like penises
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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