So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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