Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
