Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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