Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this just has baby written all over it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
