the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
