the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
