her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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