Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
