Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
one two three fourrrrnication!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
