someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
