is your mom at the bar?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
