I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was like eating out sand paper
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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