Someone shit on the floor
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
