I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
