She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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