When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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