You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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