Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
