Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
