i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
