Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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