My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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