Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
