I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Mom said you looked used
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
