you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
