if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
