remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
