Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
