Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize