Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
