So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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