Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
