1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
