We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
