Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
