You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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