you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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