I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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