i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
