I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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