gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
