He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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