your thong is hanging out like whoa
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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