where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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