i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
