have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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