I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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