Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death