Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.